From Domestic Violence to Post Separation Abuse
Let’s Talk about Domestic Violence – DV is about power and control. DV is not JUST physical abuse – it IS coercive control. It is emotional and psychological abuse – and those scars are long lasting. It is isolation, financial abuse and it’s so much more. My daughter’s therapist described to my husband, Glenn, what his new existence consisted of: he is living in a home with PTSD landmines everywhere and he can personally attest to the accuracy of that description. My daughters and I are free from our abuser and we have been for years - my heart is with anyone who is currently in the throes of this trauma.
When we finally come to terms with the fact that we are in an abusive relationship, we are empowered and equipped to leave the abuse. We are praised for our bravery. We are told that we did the right thing – for ourselves and for our children.
What we are NOT told is that the abuse during our marriage pales in comparison to the new form of abuse that we are walking into post separation abuse and the family court system.
The power and control that our abusers crave didn’t suddenly vanish when we escaped the abuse –in fact, it often intensifies. Now, the abuser is left with two weapons to maintain power and control – the children and the family court system. This is all a game to them – they know that the children are the way to inflict the most pain on their victim. The family court system becomes their main platform to do this.
The abuse I suffered post separation far exceeded the abuse I endured during my marriage. During my marriage, I could shelter my daughters ---– the family court system tied by hands behind my back and allowed them to be abused and weaponized by my ex-husband. My daughters were now subjected to the abuse that I fought so hard to protect them from – and there was nothing I could do about it. When I fought to protect them, I was labeled an “alienator,” which is the abuser’s go-to accusation when their own actions cause the children to reject them – when their own ABUSE causes the children to retreat. An accusation of “alienation” should be a glaring red flag for family court professionals.
We need to start educating our DV advocates about post-separation abuse. This is where education is lacking. The work of DV agencies doesn’t stop when we are free from the abuse we experience in the privacy of our own homes; it needs to continue as we walk into this new form of abuse. DV agencies can be our voices and our allies in the family court system: we desperately need their help to raise awareness and to help us educate family court professionals. Together, we are stronger.
