From Domestic Violence to Post Separation Abuse
Domestic violence (DV) is about power and control.
The need for power and control doesn’t dissipate when the relationship ends, it takes a new form known as post separation abuse. The family court system becomes the stage and the platform.
Post separation abuse continues to escalate and often, far surpasses the DV that victims are subjected to while under the same roof as their abuser. After the relationship ends, the perpetrator sets their sights on the children to exert control and to terrorize the healthy parent. Every high-conflict custody battle has three basic narratives: the abuser’s need for control, the abuser’s need to “win” and, the abuser’s desire to hurt or punish the healthy parent.
Post-separation abuse does not just affect the victim, it has both immediate and long-lasting effects on children resulting in high adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACE’s, a term used to describe any traumatic event during childhood such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse or even an environment that undermines a child’s sense of bonding or stability. The ACE Study (The Center for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente) should be the courtroom bible for judges and other family court professionals who are tasked with the responsibility of acting in the best interest of children.
While there are many resources available to victims of DV during the relationship, the only resource available to victims of post-separation abuse is the family court system itself (judges, mediators, minor’s counsel, custody evaluators, therapists, co-parenting counselors, parenting coordinators and attorneys). It is so important for those in the family court system to be educated on post-separation abuse and to recognize it in high-conflict divorces, custody battles and paternity cases.
We educate, empower and encourage victims of domestic violence to be brave and to leave abusive situations yet, we aren’t equipping them for the harsh reality they face in the family court system.
After being applauded for their bravery in leaving a toxic situation, survivors of DV find that the abuse they encounter post separation is often more painful than the abuse they suffered in the relationship. The abuser’s only real interest in the children is to use them as pawns and weapons. In the family court system, survivors of domestic violence find that:
They can no longer shelter their child from the abuse.
They are subject to victim-blaming from family court professionals: “You married him (or her), this isn’t our problem.”
Their abuser’s “rights” trump their child’s rights to safety.
Their children are divided up like property.
They are both unfairly labeled high conflict.
Research shows that it only takes one person to create a high conflict situation (Click to download: Confronting the Challenges of the High-Conflict Personality in Family Court: Santa Clara University Study).