Dear Family Court Judge
Dear Family Court Judge,
You may be on your way to work when suddenly your thoughts shift to your afternoon calendar. By this point in your career, you are probably struggling with compassion fatigue and are tired of listening to people argue back and forth like human Ping-Pong balls. You probably feel that familiar twinge of annoyance at the thought of the high-conflict couple that is once again on calendar today. You have most likely bought into the notion that it takes two to tango in family court. You secretly wonder why these two adults can’t put their wild accusations and differences aside and do what’s best for their children?
Maybe, just maybe, those wild accusations are not fabricated. Maybe one of the parents standing in front of you isn’t lying and typically avoids conflict like the plague. Do you chalk these accusations up to a high-conflict couple and order a 50/50 custody split because that is what seems “fair?” Do you dismiss the concerns contained in the countless declarations on your desk? Do you subscribe to the belief that, “she chose to marry him so he can’t be that bad?” Are you truly acting in the best interest of the child or are you trying to be fair to the two adults standing in front of you? Our judicial officers are supposed to rule in the best interest of the child, but that guiding principle of family court has become distorted and lost over the years. As someone who regularly sits in courtrooms across America, I can tell you that what is happening in the family court system is not in the best interest of the children.
What is the solution? Please begin by educating yourself on high-conflict individuals, narcissistic abuse and post separation abuse. Everyone in the family court system who has a hand in deciding the fate of a child should recognize the positive correlation between narcissistic individuals (even those with high narcissistic traits) and high-conflict divorce. I ask, have you read the study out of Santa Clara University titled, “Confronting the Challenge of the High Conflict Personality in Family Court” which sheds light on a topic that is not complex but often misunderstood?
Having narcissistic personality disorder (or high narcissistic traits) does not simply mean that one has an inflated ego, it means that this individual thrives on conflict. It also means that this person poses a significant danger to the healthy parent and the children. He or she will appear as Dr. Jekyll in the courtroom and will resume their true identity of Mr. Hyde outside of the courtroom doors. This individual sees the children as a weapon to continue to control and abuse the healthy parent. The ultimate way to inflict pain on the healthy parent is to hurt (emotionally, psychologically or physically), or worse, murder the children. As of October 15, 2020, 758 children have been murdered by a separating or divorcing parent (Center for Judicial Excellence).
The high-conflict, narcissistic parent is incapable of love and sees the children merely as possessions. This individual may appear perfectly normal and often, they are so skilled at impression management that they can even mislead and charm court professionals and mental health professionals. This person claims to love their children yet their actions are not in alignment with their words. I beg you to pay attention to actions and not words.
Those with high narcissistic traits are often pathological liars which allows them to lie under oath and in court documents with ease. Please pay attention to credibility, even little lies mean that a person is untrustworthy, and that should serve as a red flag. Lying to the court further fuels the disordered individual because they take great pride in manipulating systems and people. While perjury does not seem to carry a lot of weight in family court, it should be taken more seriously than it is.
There is an overwhelming belief that two parents are better than one and, in most cases, I believe this to be true. The exception should be when one parent is a high-conflict individual. This person is not capable of placing the child’s needs above their own needs. This parent lacks the ability to love, respect boundaries, have empathy and is incapable of doing what is best for the child. Unlike your average divorce, a divorce with this type of individual will not end until the children have reached adulthood.
Please remember that in a high-conflict divorce, it does not take two to tango. Consider that the parent standing in front of you may actually be telling you the truth when s(he) expresses concern about personal safety or, the safety of the children. Please don’t allow yourself to become calloused to the issues that you see every day. Remember that abuse comes in many forms (emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, verbal and physical) and all forms of abuse are equally damaging and have lifelong, devastating effects on children. Please know that every child matters and every child is depending on you to act in their best interest.
Signed, Tina Swithin (a Children’s Rights Advocate)
