The Family Court System: Victim Blaming
“You chose to marry this person (or have children with this person)- it’s not our problem to fix.”
Every victim of domestic violence has heard these words or felt this judgment when they step foot into the family court system. It may be delivered in a condescending tone by an attorney or it may even be uttered by the judge. Even if it isn’t stated verbally, it is the pervasive mentality of family court professionals.
This victim blaming mentality was weaved through every conversation, every court hearing, every evaluation, every interview or interrogation that I personally faced while my case was in the Family Court system (2009-2019).
At first, it stung and then I practiced radical acceptance. I would rather know the mentality that I am up against so I can adjust my sails and proceed forward accordingly. Once I grasped the reality that I was facing, I was able to manage my expectations appropriately. I am one of the most optimistic people you will ever meet but I am also incredibly realistic.
Is this victim blaming mentality fair? No, quite the opposite. It’s archaic and barbaric. It’s further proof that the system is uneducated on domestic violence.
If you are a family court professional and find yourself reading this blog, I’d like to share my personal journey with you to help you understand. In sharing my story, I hope it will help you to understand the story of the next domestic violence survivor who stands in your court room.
My childhood was not perfect. In fact, it was very dysfunctional. Growing up, I craved normalcy and the “happily ever after” that I had read about and saw in movies.
When I was 26 years old, I met the person whom I thought would be my happily ever after.
“Seth” seemed liked the boy next-door. He was polite, kind and considerate. His parents had been married almost 30-years, seemed well-respected in our community, worked in education and had even founded our local Catholic high school. They presented as the a epitome of stability and normalcy.
In the beginning of our relationship, Things seem too good to be true. I felt like pinching myself often. I felt honored that Seth and his family would accept me given that I had come from such a broken family life.
The beginning of our relationship was defined by what I now know to be called, love bombing. Chivalry, poetry, kind words, gifts, admiration and respect. It was a whirlwind of happiness and what I thought was love. I believed that this was what it was like to date a grown man.
Within the first year of meeting, Seth invited me to move across the state with him. I thought of it as an exciting adventure in this new chapter of my life. What I did not realize as a 20-something-year-old woman, was that isolation is one of the first stages of domestic violence. Now, I was four hours away from my friends and family.
Over the next couple of years, we were married and warning signs began to creep in however, the good still outweighed the bad. The optimist and nurturer in me always tries to see the best in people. I often reminded myself that no one is perfect and that relationships take work. By nature, I am loyal to a fault. In other words, I was the perfect target for an abuser.
As time went on, the pendulum began to swing in the other direction. The good no longer outweighed the bad but by this point, I was a mother. During the rough patches of our relationship, I reflected on the person that I fell in love with. I excused his behaviors because I thought that the kind, caring soul that I fell in love with was still in there somewhere. I knew that if I could just be nicer, thinner, sweeter, or prettier, he would come back. I held onto hope.
What I did not understand at the time is that the person I fell in love with was a façade. That person never existed. You see, an abuser does not show up on the first date and verbally degrade you. An abuser does not begin to psychologically abuse you during your courtship. If they do, it is so subtle that you would not consider it to be abuse. The abuser is very calculated, they wait until they have you in their clutches before they start to take the mask off and their true colors show.
In my situation, and for many others, I did not see behind the mask until I was completely trapped. I was isolated, dependent and in a fog that is hard for anyone to understand - unless they’ve personally been caught in the cycle of domestic violence.
So, if you want to blame me for my role in the high-conflict divorce or custody battle, I will stand before you and take ownership. I will take ownership for seeing the best in people. I will take ownership for being optimistic and hopeful. I will take ownership for being forgiving and golden-hearted. I will take ownership for wanting to live happily ever after and for wanting to be loved and cherished. I am guilty of all of those things but please know that I did not sign up to be abused in my relationship, in my marriage, in my divorce or in the family court system.
While my problem may not be your problem to fix, I respectfully ask that you protect my children. I ask you to put their well-being and safety at the forefront of your decisions. When you reflect back on the oath you took, please keep my children in mind.
Signed, A Domestic Violence Survivor
